I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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