i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
