I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
