just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
