I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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