So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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