need another drink. this is the easiest way
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
