last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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