you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
organizing the empties. That sober.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
