no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
