Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
