I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
