it's like iHOP with fire
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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