it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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