I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
