I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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