woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize