i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
