LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
