I just cut my nipple shaving
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
