he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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