Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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