I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
