my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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