I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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