I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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