I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She is in my trunk
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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