Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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