I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
