I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
