Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
