yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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