I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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