WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
