Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
