i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
