I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
