I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
