I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
