I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
