I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
