So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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