I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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