i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
