There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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