By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
