What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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