now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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