i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
