Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
