Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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