Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
