Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
