she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I did not marry a roomba.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize