You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Your cock deserves a montage
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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