I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
