you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize