if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
