I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
