Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
