Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
