Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
