Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
