The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
