I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
